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I need a nap so very briefly
i have a gf
yes really.
She is called sarah, she is pretty damm awesome. we are moving far far too quickly probably but we like it.
i went to doblin by myself. it was a really really good experience. lily allen was the best gig i've been to, ever, ever,ever,ever,ever,ever.
life is good.
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
x
Basically i'm looking for an extra job because being an operations assistant is no fun and no money. I'm working half the hours for my data entry job for about a third of the money, and while i know that i did not enjoy being a data monkey to such an extent that i left early, i am not enjoying being a stacker monkey for even less money any more than the previous job.
I'm starting to get a bit worried that the last 3 jobs i've had haven't given me the same kind of satisfaction that being a till girl did. Maybe it was beacause it was a new job, maybe it was because it was something i'd ruled out for myself but i really liked it. i disliked housekeeping last march, i disliked being a data monkey over the summer and i dislike being a stacker zombie now.
But there are a few jobs going over xmas and i think actually more permanently too Firstly there is there quite nicely paying cleaning job at the uni. at 6.89 an hour this is 2 pounds more an hour than min wage jobs, and a pound more an hour than i'm getting so far. it's also 39p more an hour than my all time highest paying job so therefore, not to be sniffed at. plus i've got more cleaning experience than a girl my age should and i couldn't give a fuck if anyone saw me rubber gloved up, you gotta do whatcha gotta do.
However, if i did want to take the retail career route and judging on my previous what i actually enjoy doing with my time, then the real joy would be in retail. There are 3 jobs i could apply to, starbucks, shoe zone and clinton cards. It's perfectly possible that all these jobs have gone as the boots jobs are still up there and i know for a fact that boots are no longer hiring but for arguements sake, do i go for a mininum wage shoe zone job, and i know this will be no more than 5 an hour and quite likely just the min 4.88, or do i take the money and run? money vs experience.
especially seeing as while i have two jobs i'll be taxed on all of my second income as my first takes me over the bracket. So it's very disheartening to work 20 hours for say not even 12 hours work, makes more sense to me to earn as much as possible and claim it all back in june with a nice little "have fun in america fiona" check from the tax man. There is also the scary possibility that i may go over the year tax bracket. i don't think so, but this may be one year i'm actually closer to not being able to claim it all back.
I'll have to have a proper look at the finances.
Basically i'd rather dislike something and be earning more money than disliking it and not earning very much. So i'm leaning to the cleaning. But yet more cleaning experience is something i don't need. But then, i'm already been invited to the retail assessment centre, so any more experience is nice but surplus maybe, not saying at all that i know everything i need to know, not by far, but i know enough to get my foot in the door at least. Plus, the goal is money for america, not a career at this point.
So i've talked myself into applying for the cleaning which is great but i was going to do that anyway, i think i'll apply to starbucks for the kicks, and clinton cards, i just don't know if i want to work in shoe zone, i can actually be picky for once, and i don't want to be picking people's feet. You never know, i'm looking down on shoe zone and it might be the highest paying of them all.
oh yes, so it's 7.10 and i'm not an early riser unless you call 2am as early. i call it late. yesterday i slept from 8am-6pm then 8.30pm- 2am. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Apart from filling in a starbucks application form, i've done everything i wanted to do today and it's barely light. The annoying this is, i can't really nap later as i have a docs appointment to sort this out and then joy of joys it's work time again. I can maybe sneak in an hour from 5-6pm but it's very possible that it'll make me feel worse. I'm thinking about 22 hour day may be on the cards. 3rd one in a week. I don't even find it hard any more.
just not quite sure what i am going to do with my day.
i do need to see if i can book a room to practise my film script in, and i need to finish said film script. So maybe i can't quite put a tick on today yet.
I'm thinking, shower and lazy breakfast, i have beans and bacon to eat but i'm still full from my 4am meal, whatever title of eating you want to give that, tea? burger and pasta, it was tasty yah.
Could go into town, scout some application forms, come back and write my film script, go into uni and see if i can book a room, doctors appointment, nap/no nap work.
but i'm going into town tomorrow, so i can leave that til then. in which case, film script, room booking, docs, nap/no nap. I might be able to have a nap about 11ish.
But i think it's probably better to book a room early, seeing as i want it for tomorrow.
God i am indecisive.
and also a little sleepy.
grrr.
Because everyone dies alone don't they? I could be married for fifty years, pop upstairs to run a bath and lay there floating for 45 mins while s/he sits fag in hand watching match of the day.
The more i am single, the more i don't want a relationship. It's blissfully simple, i'm not lonely, missing someone, being jealous, not being able to eye up a hot girl in a supermarket, not having to miss the 7th pint to ring x because i said i would ring x 2 hours ago and i still haven't, not sat at home scared to death because x said they'd ring 2 hours ago and who knows how drunk they are and what if that tart sarah is there and what if they decided to drive...? There are no what ifs in my life. It's beautiful. And without even really thinking about it, i just know that when i am 75 and i've started to piss myself and sleep more hours in a day than a cat, I will od and go to sleep. Maybe this will all change but i've had the feeling for a long time that i want to choose my own death, although i also have the feelng that i won't get to choose it. Maybe it's just because i am young but i can't see myself ever getting to that pissing myself change. I don't mean to say i am wishing a terrible accident on myself, but i feel like my life will be short and pretty solitary. So far this suits me fine.
This'll probably be hilarious to my 35 year old self reading back through my university days with a baby in one hand and a wedding ring on the other.
I suppose you could say that while i am not jealous i'm also not in love, not distracted by how amazing life is now that x is in it, not fucking in the last carriage because we simply can't keep our hands off each other, not being whisked away to rome, not having a song dedicated to me, not phoning someone "just because" or meeting them after work so they don't have to walk home alone but at the moment I don't need or miss any of this. I feel like you are not meant to be so happy with yourself, although i can fully say i don't have narcissistic personality disorder, quite the opposite really, i'm not living a paracistic existence, appealing to others to validate my sense of self, i'm appealing to myself for my identity, living independantly without being completely anti-social. Maybe i am selfish for keeping all this love to myself but i haven't found and aren't looking for anyone to annex my heart for. I've loved and i've laughed and i've cried and i've healed. Sorry to be so american cheesy but i feel like i am in one piece and i'm no hurry to let anyone in or give myself away to. I only wish this wasn't seen as so very Weird.
But yes, so busy. literally every day this week has been uni work followed by work work so i don't really have time to think. not even been able to watch sky player because virgin has decided to "update our internet" by making it go 10 x slower. nice of them in this crucial essay writing period. very irritating i can tell you. plus the library at uni is so busy that you have to make tactical maneovers just to get a chair let alone a computer. Stupid first years. i can say this as a high and mighty third year. i r more important!!!
So for my birthday i've booked a trip to dublin, i think i'm the only one not bothered by going by myself. which is kinda funny seeing as no-one is bothered enough to come. maybe that is a little harsh, they have their reasons. i'm quite looking forward to it to be honest, i do most things by myself these days anyway. i was thinking about this last night, i am getting a bit worried that i'll stop being such the nice person that i am just because i am not used to doing nice things for other people anymore. plus the fact that i've never had a short distance relationship makes me wonder if some people think i'm a cold hearted bitch incapable of human emotion, not that i actually think this is so, some people are just loners you know, i think i am a loner, i'm happy being loner.
also, whilst writing about narcissistic personality disorders and the process of grief, yes somehow this is a third year english essay, who knows how, i realised that i was greiving over becky, and that i am no longer grieving over becky and it's oh so magnificently simple now i'm not wallowing in it. I don't want to look like i'm going over old ground here, just that it struck me whilst i'm writing my essay about people greiving over lost love.
Other news, yes dublin, 4* hotel with a jacuzzi, very nice, ticket to see lily allen, very nice, possibility of another tattoo, very nice. I am a bit unsure what i am going to do on the wednesday as my flight isn't until 8pm and i have to check out at 12. so obviously, with someone i could sit in a pub and chat all day but myself... a drink yes, not 3 hours worth of getting smashed. I think i might do a bit of shopping, maybe get a tattoo, maybe "see a show" and probably get to the airport a bit early. I have a lot of waiting around to do re: trains back home. I don't get into exeter til half 1am on thursday, i forgot that it's actually a fair way from exeter - bristol and i do need to look into trains to bristol airport too.
Going to try and boosh the rest of this essay out then i can look at it again on wednesday, sort my referencing out cos that'll take a while and then hand it in early cos i'm cool like that.
oh also i'm being totally fake lesbian and have false nails and fake tan, i fucking love it. plus they are short nails so i can still operate in my day to day life but they make a nice tapping sound on the keys. not that i can hear with n-dubz blaring but you know. oh god, false nails, fake tan and n-dubz. not only am i a loner, i'm a chav loner. I think i secretly like being a chav, especially cos i like to think i'm doing it ironically to put two fingers up to the upper class jack wilis sloane clones. one day i might go into uni in actual trackies. that would be awesome.
So of course now it's quarter past 6, i'm starving as i didn't have any tea (looking thinner might i add, lost about 4lbs so far) and it's fair to say there is a direct correlation between, sleeping, not eating well and not doing very much with my life.
I'm wide awake now. I was toying with sleep because it's somehow become a thing i can do almost on tap.. now i'm yawning great, but no, food, don't know what food exactly. I'd have a peanut butter toasted bagel if i could cut the bagel correctly, always end up with a fat piece of badly cut bagel and crumbs. All i ate yesterday was bread actually, 2 peanut butter toast with une banana, a tuna sandwhich on brown with a clementime and a tuna sandwhich on brown at midnight tonight. Should have defrosted le bacon and then i could have had some fat protein to at least counter the carbs. I am learning that things like pasta and rice are not bad carbs per se although i really don't reccommend undercooked brown rice. Actually hurt my stomach. This is reminding me that quorn beef chilli is very nice and i have half a jar of bol. sauce to use up. Not really sure chilli is a breakfast meal but fuck it, better than yet more toast.
I've spent a lot of money this week which has just blown apart my budgeting which was going actually really well until now. but i had a haircut (back looking like a boy, i fucking love it, i know that it's not as avant garde 60s french sexy as i think it is in my head, but it's still avant garde 60s french sexy in my head anyway) which cost me 45 quids. I know, basically paying someone to take something away but grr i love being able to scrunch the hair on my head into my fist. it's ever so slightly too long to get the grrr lesbo feeling but i'll take an almost grr bi feeling as it's the best thing on offer.
Also purchased a brand spankly new ipod nano 8gb with video in pink. It's very sexy, i love it. I also love the headphones that came with it, actually being able to hear things on my laptop is a minor miracle. Worries me slightly how i like listening to tunes so loud that i can use them as speakers and then put the headphones directly into my ears but meh, i want to learn sign language anyway.
I'm kind of tentatively inspired to start writing again. I hate the whole "oh ya i'm going to start writing again" like writing is actually something bigger than simply putting words onto a page. But I've said it before, i'm boring, i don't really do much. I'm finding getting ideas for my screenplay which i have 4 weeks to write, rewrite, find someone to perform it and perform it really difficult. There's a gap where my ideas should be because i'm not experiencing anything that sparks ideas, ideas come from living and to be brutally honest i've stopped living in order to burrow my way through this whole uni experience and come out the other end. I don't know what i think will happen if i do start doing stuff but for the most part i'm too scared to try. I actually had to force myself out of bed this morning like it's everyday i meet an oscar nominated actress/screenwritier. I'm still struggling to see the point of a lot of stuff though. Like the drama of kezzies best mate keira going out with jonny but you can't tell sarah because she used to fancy jonny and her boyfriend is like... way possessive... you know? can't be arsed with that. I feel like i've reached that retirement home by the sea stage in the wrong order, but i also feel like you can't force yourself to be happy in some places, they just don't work for you and i could come to exeter in 3 years time and have a completely different experience to the one i've had/am having but right now this one i'm not enjoying and it's only because of a piece of paper that i have to stay.
It was just a very bad decision. One that i'm starting to feel the benefit of but one i'm still too bitter about to want to focus on or dare and bare to repeat.
I'm going to have a cultured day, and by this i mean lounging around watching films, reading books, drinking quoffee and listening to radio shows while perusing the guardian online. This is what inspires me. i'd also like some cereal so i may pay cost cutters outrageous prices although i should probably save that bus fare for tonights bus home. Which reminds me, work clothes need a wash so that they can be dry for tonight. Hmm i thought it would be light by now, must be light soon as i was up at ten to seven on wednesday.
Also, if i got up at midnight I'll have been up 14 hours by 2pm so maybe sleeping from 2-6 could be good. Then i'll be tired after work and might sleep about 3 am ish.
yes.
I'm annoyed as I'd love to write down all the fun feelings you get but i had that at about the 21 hour mark during my seminar. it's a nice airy feeling.
now my concentration is appaling, my arms feel heavy and i have a headache but actually don't feel mentally much different.
i'm waiting to watch lie to me if it come on sky player but i may just go to bed, seeing as i stayed awake to get a normal pattern. although what with working 1am-9am is probably the best i can hope.
over and out scotty!
Have been reading articles about graduate recruitment and the like, the general census being that if you are only thinking about your future in your third year then you've left it too late and you're fucked. Well thanks for that. How about some useful information about what to do about being so fucked? How about not simply tossing you aside for some jumped up ambitious twat who knew what they wanted to do since age 13 then when they finally acheive it are burnt out, have a break down and use their interpersonal skillz learnt by being captain of the lacrosse team to shag their secretary?
There are so many graduate schemes out there, and so bloody many (and more) graduates. To be completely honest I have not used my university time well. Whether in a "member of 32 societies" way or "not waking up every afternoon wishing i was anywhere but here" way. So, I'm sticking to the original basic plan, which is, apply to boots, and no-where else. I've no idea what I want, and I don't think that filling in random applications at 4.30am is the best way to find out.
Come June 2010, i'm on a gap year. Whether this gap year ends September 2010 with me being a boots graduate, or continues through december 2010 being a graduate working at boots, who knows. I'm going to live a little, try my hand at a few things, work some minimum wage jobs and hopefully by 2011 graduate deadlines, have something a little bit exciting to put on my cv.
So far this month (!) I've wanted to be a scriptwriter, a retail manager, and now a hairdresser.
Just kind of thinking of what i like, and i like hair. Seems simple. I'm not sure I'd be very good, judging from my own hair disasters. but on those nights out where you pretend to be someone else, i always end up pretending to be a hairdresser.
this time next week, i'll want to be something different. but it's fun to have 3am dreams.
Slept 8.30-4.30pm.
I was showered and dressed having my breakfast at 8.15am, deciding that i should be busy and then sleep. then off course, once i started doing something i was tired. decided that i should sleep when my body tells me too and didn't go into town and buy the keyboard i was planning on doing. however i am in a good mood and it's now half 3 am (techinically half four) and i feel like i will go to sleep soon, am more relaxed tonight. going out with michelle for tea tomorow and planning on buying some nytol type thing so get back on track.
1. To be a writer.
2. To be thinner.
3. To be prettier.
4. To be noticed.
5. To impress you.
You being teh world et al.
I'm happy to carry on journaling, basically because at low times (and there's no point denying it, whether it's pms or otherwise) blogging is like a conversation with myself. I was happy at 2am when i was watching speed and eating a bacon sandwhich. Now i'm incredibly teary.
I'm mad at myself for falling back into this. because i know it's too insignificant to waste the non existent energy i have over it. i know what i need to do, sleep at night not during the day, get out the house, do uni work. But i can't make myself do it. I have incredible will power sometimes and absolutely fuck all when i need myself the most.
need to stop, being bored and boring.
I know that once i've graduated I'll look back on all this time I had and wonder why I never did anything particularly useful. Once I start working I'll never have the time to spend 6 hours a day watching films but I can't reconsile myself to enjoy what is essentially laziness.
This seems contradictory to the fact that I haven't done anything useful despite having numerous opportunites, and that it is essentially my fault that I am so bored and that i've let it get to such an extent of boredom that I am too bored to kick start myself.
I feel terrible today.
Hopefully it is pms. Then it's only my hormones and not my mind.
I feel a little brain dead at the moment, I'm no good at coming up with creative ideas, whether they are for a short film or as part of a career talk. I feel like that part of me is drugged and asleep somewhere and the thing is that it doesn't really bother me. I don't think i'm ready for jobs of responsibility but the fact is, i've already missed out on internships and things so the older i get, the less chance i have of realising any potential that i do have.
it would help massively, if i knew what i wanted to "do" but the fact is, i'm happy or numb enough not really doing anything. and this is not like me. by "anything" i don't mean literally sat around doing nothing as that bores me out my mind but like, shelf stacking, data inputting, it's mind numbing work but i'm really pleased with myself if i get a job well done. kind of like vocational jobs that i can see an immediate difference in. I will say however that shelf stacking the entire xmas department at boots is not actually mind numbing. it was yesterday and will be on the quieter days leading up to xmas however today and tomorrow are double discount day, and the people go crazy! so many gaps to fill tonight. and i'm getting really sore fingers from tearing up boxes. i've been through two pens in two nights. we're not allowed to use knifes and i have to be careful not to get biro all over the merchandise.
- like see for example, i just wrote knifes, half instead of have. I don't know whether it is my brain or my hands going wrong.
I started applying for the boots store as if i was going to be a manager anywhere, it would be there. but i withdrew my application. I'm definately into this year off thing, i just hope it doesn't lull me into a state where i'm happy with no ambition.
i'm going to the careers advisor i think. and i also think that if i don't know what i want to do, it's worth thinking what i don't want to do.
i need a hobby i think.
anyway, money will be rolling in soon, can afford to pay the bunac work america thing now which is ace. i'm planning to save 80 quid a week from my job, leaving me with 800 saved, and use my overdraft + bursary + benefits to live off, otherwise my overdraft will just swallow it up and i'll feel like i haven't saved anything. although i do need to be in the good end of it when i graduate, cos then there's that thing called not interest free anymore fuckers.
I've been really lazy work wise in the last few days but i'ma do some after writing this.
anyway thursday, went bowling with jess,ali and jess's brother dan. I am of course, rubbish at bowling but if was fun all the same. last night i saw fame with michelle which was not as rubbish as expected, then had a few drinks, played pool, ate kfc. since thursdsay all ive eaten is junk food and fizzy drinks. my skin has been really good since i started using this freederm stuff and i got a spot yesterday and was like, omg a spot! shall up the water and vitamin intake i feel. now the pizzas all gone i can get back on the soups.
it's funny how when i'm happy my blogs are so much more about things that i've actually done and the people i've done them with. maybe i am a much more social being than i thought. i like it. it's good. happy is good.
:)
I have just booked a trip to dublin on the 8th december. which coincifuckingdentaly is my 21st birthday. So far i've booked for me and georgina, housemates have made their excuses, sister could come if it was a weekend as could julia but me and georgina sounds great to me.
She's not 100 per cent sure she can come but i booked it while it was cheap. If she can't then i'l find someone who can, possibly take my mum or go by myself. It'll be great regardless.
I'm so happy.
i'm also happy anyway. week 3 and i'm happy. taking it week by week :)
i never got to the xtv thing last week but tomorow am going fo sure. we're having another toilet put in the house so that'll wake me up at 10am.
Today i was in uni from 10-4 doing work. which is pretty impressive. also my short film work doesn't even feel like work. which is the best work of all. and my other module is challenging but interesting. basically it's took me 3 years but i'm god damn into this shit.
i'm happy. getting poorer so a job would be nice from boots yeah? but happy, less spotty too thanks to freederm, it's really good and i've had bad skin for 7 years. so i know the good shit when i see it.
I hope this lasts. I feel like i've come out of my self indulgence into joining the world again. pretty much like Herzog (would that be the book im reading for my course this week? yes it certainly is!) but, like all that shit about pointlessness of my existence... yeah it is pointless, so shut up and have some fun!
I'm trying to write more down cos i've not blogged in a week cos i'm happy and i want some good memories.
oh jodies hen night last friday! that was really good, not amazing as it's a bit awkward when no-one really knows each other. but i pulled another drunk guy who can't kiss. not that bad looking either. shame about the washing machine action. no hang over either. it's called lemonade and it is my friend. plus the 2am hotdog was immense.
last night, "quiet one" at the firehouse, turned into 3 hours and 2 slices of pizza. mady tends to dominate the conversation either her talking or us talking/taking the mick out of her. mike was also flirting with her bad style. i wasn't jealous. much. he's a hard one to figure out. really good looking but slighlty annoying and not 100 per cent sure if that crack about you being bisexual was indeed just for the crack. doesn't bother me either way. that's a lie. i don't know why but not into the bi guys. i like the arsehole muscle guys. oh my "hot" date on friday picked me up 60s dance style, twice, which did turn into slight humping but wtf, it was all good.
as for girls. not trying it on with georgina. it's that r.e.s.p.e.c.t thing. plus i've spent the last day giving her relationship advice so there is such a thing as too involved. i should keep my distance if i was going to do anything about it. i hope she's not worried about anything on my birthday. cos i'll just get drunk and pass out. much as seducing her would be a fantastic memory indeed...... yes.
i'm far too excited to sleep plus i still have wet hair so i should dry that and read maybe. or film it. die hard is always looking at meh.
for the record: now wednesday 14th october 2009 at 00.04. i'm a 3rd year english undergrad at exeter uni aged 20. and i'm fucking happy.
hell yeah!
Flickering a jigsaw.
The hands which only move to throw
are mine, for me to hold
So, I have a few ideas. And they fit together.
America
Move in with georgina in manchester/salford area
2 year Part time Ma in Television and Radio scriptwriting at the university of Salford
I know that I've had ideas before and maybe this is just another one, maybe I'll have to just take a holiday to america, maybe I'll end up in a 1 room bedsit, but the thing with this 2 year Ma, is that it's in the evenings which means I can go and do a 9-5 during the day, and then 2 nights a week, do that Ma thing. It's part time, which means its £1,800 a year, not £3,900. It's in Salford, which is oop north. Which is where Julia lives, my next door neighbour Katie now lives, and my old friend from high school Becky now lives. All 3 of which are gayyyy. As in people to go to gay clubs with.
I've got a headache and I have to be up in 6 hours to take a sodding ready text dvd back. Day 2 of term and I owe the library £8 in unpaid fines and bills. God damn the short short loans and my memory.
Yesterday I was pondering applying for the boots graduate scheme, but who's to say I can't spread my bets?
Also, I don't think reputation wise, Salford is up there with Exeter. but employability wise, they have an agreement with the people off of shameless that any potentially good scripts will be considered and they have a huge paragraph about where past students have gone onto.
I'm interested in the film scriptwriting ma too but, this tv and radio thing has really caught my eye. I'm going to the xtv meeting tomorow to try and get involved. It's all good stuff.
Week two and I'm still happy. Been to a lecture and everything.
http://olddevilmoon.blogspot.com/
http://boundkhush.blogspot.com/
http://notthatanyonecareswhatisay.blogs
the first two both started on the same day and didn't last very long but the not that anyone cares what i say one finishes only a few months before this one starts.
I still miss my old lunarstorm blog. I saw the pen drive that I had saved some of the posts on before I moved but I don't know what I did with it. I'm chuffed to have found these and I went back to the start of this one as well and I've got nearly 2 years and splodges of the further past documented which I really like. It's interesting to see how my blogging and general writing style has changed. I'm going to start making more of an effort with my blogs as I started them to improve my writing skills but so far they've only really shown how much they are deterioating.
Also, just by reading the first few posts of this and all the 3 blogs I can see I've not really been happy for a very long time. (Excepting this summer where I was mediocrely happy I'd say, and I wonder whether the happiness i remember having was actually that good afterall) I have plans and I sit inside saying how i really need to do them and never do them. I seem to have had the realisation several times that I enjoy being by myself as if it is something shocking and daring. I posted a few days ago about how I was really forcing myself to feel bad about something I didn't care about, that being "not having a life" in the social sense. Maybe it'll change when I finish uni but the weak thread of optimism that binds all these posts together is "it will be different tomorrow" which is not a bad philosophy if you adhere to it.
Lots to ponder and ignore.
But yes. And it's my own fault for trusting so easily. I don't trust a lot of people. But if someone has that "click" i need to let them in, then they're all in. And then they sneak out under the crack in the door, and i'm as empty as I was before.
I'm clearly in a song writing mood. This is good. Put this angst to good use at least.
It just makes me wonder whether I want to meet someone new. I don't like the ups and downs of feeling stuff. It hurts.
Today I was also offering relationship advice to georgina. It's very selfish of me but I have to admit that I don't want rhys to be in the picture. But I don't want to be the jealous/attention-seeking/scary lesbian friend either. I'm trying not to think of myself like that. And as I so aptly demonstrated with my relationship advice to nina, I'm somehow capable of offering objective advice at the detriment to my own personal gain. This has got to be a quality I can put on my cv surely, and not just in the "puts needs of others before her own, won't ask for a pay rise and will agree to short noticed overtime" athough to be fair, that would get me employed in some blood sucking employment easily.
I'm pretty confident that in a setting where rhys has gone out with the boys, me and georgina will sit on the sofa and talk about her love life in a straight girl to girl way. But, it's not normal to either not get jealous, or be able to cooly control that jealousy. What if I snap one day? What if I stop being so god damn nice, and use that girly sofa time to plant ideas in her head to get her in my bed? Oh the morals of 21st century life.
Also, maybe I'm not so nice. The two situations I think of when I didn't do something I wanted to weren't completely selfless. I didn't kiss georgina when I could have because I didn't want to cheat on becky and I thought that by not cheating on becky, georgina would be impressed. It's possible that she has asked me to move in because she trusts me etc but it's also very possible that I did the wrong thing. Georgina has quite a fragile sense of self-esteem and by not kissing her when she and I both obviously wanted to, that says, kinda rightly, that I value my current relationship, but it also says that that relationship was worth more to me than the present situation of Georgina. Putting myself in her position, would I be impressed by my sense of loyalty, or would I be pissed I wasn't so overcome with attraction that didn't grab me/her (i'm getting confused) and give her the best and secret kiss of her life. Because it's the kiss she would remember. Not not being kissed.
ON the other hand. Would she feel guilty/confused/taken advantage of, and not wish for a repeat.
Second situation involved Nina over the summer. She said she was glad I hadn't jumped her This gets confused somewhat as I did jump her later, pinned her to her bed and had some very nice kisses. But when I slid my hand under her top, we carried on for a while and then she stopped. She said it was because she didn't want the first shag to be there and made a joke about how she needed a fag as an inhibtor to stop being so horny. But, do you really stop something because you are too horny? or do you stop something because the girl on top of you is not your ex who you still love.
And after all this rambling, the only reason I'm pondering all this is because I want to get it right, and these 2 occasion didn't end in me getting kissed or getting laid. So do I take respect over instant gratification and be morally clear or do I want to be just another girl nina shagged.
and exactly, i know my answer. R.e.s.p.e.c.t., find out what it means to me. Why was I brought up to be such a gentleman.
apparently boredom may come from repressed feelings and desires. Which makes a lot of sense to me. Because I don't want to be here, so it's no wonder being here makes me feel annoyed and angsty and that's why i rush things.
At the moment I am in a state of happy boredom. I am bored, and at that level of boredom where I can't be bothered to do anything. Even though it would help, it just seems pointless. At the moment I am happy dicking around on the internets.
So far I am not procrastinating the useful stuff either. I've done washing, phoned up boots recruitment, and done an online shop so that tomorow i may eat real meals and not survive off cereal and soup.
According to the lady at boots recruitment, i've been shortlisted and should have recieved an email about it. And exeter aren't interviewing their temps yet so that's why i've not heard anything. I still don't have my timetable so i can apply for other jobs but seeing as i've been shortlisted i'd be surprised if i didn't get an interview. I've put down for 25 hours I think, it's that long ago that I can't remember. and I was thinking that it would be too much and my imaginary timetable that i've worked out screws me up in doing 25 hours monday-friday but right now i'm thinking that keeping busy and making money is the key to my happiness, and i can work weeekends.
I've even gone so far as starting to read another book for my course. and i'll do some research about the historicalness of it. as history is not my strong point. I'm loving microsoft one note. just being able to type where-ever i want to. it's the little things.
it's funny because i'm almost having to force myself to feel bad that i'm not out and about. i hear other people and think "why don't i have a life" but actually listening to myself and what i want. this is nice. it's what i'd be doing at home, the only difference is i could do it with hugs.
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cunnylinguist- Sexy lady, I'd rather see you bare your soul
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